The Advice from A Parent Which Helped Me when I became a New Parent

"I think I was just in survival mode for a year."

Former Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the demands of being a father.

But the reality quickly turned out to be "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her main carer in addition to caring for their infant son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of both parents," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The simple statement "You are not in a good place. You need some help. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now better used to talking about the strain on mothers and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles new fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a broader inability to open up between men, who often internalise harmful perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a display of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - especially ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the chance to request a respite - spending a few days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotion and interpret his decisions as a father.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "poor decisions" when in his youth to change how he felt, finding solace in substance use as an escape from the hurt.

"You find your way to things that are harmful," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a trusted person, your other half or a professional about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. This might be playing sport, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the passing, having not spoken to him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - managing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their pain, altered how they talk, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their children.

"I'm better… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, sometimes I believe my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering just as much as you are through this experience."