I Believed Myself to Be a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Made Me Uncover the Reality

During 2011, several years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie display opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I declared myself a homosexual woman. Until that moment, I had solely pursued relationships with men, including one I had entered matrimony with. By 2013, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single caregiver to four kids, making my home in the America.

Throughout this phase, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and attraction preferences, looking to find answers.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - before the internet. During our youth, my peers and I lacked access to social platforms or digital content to consult when we had curiosities about intimacy; conversely, we sought guidance from pop stars, and throughout the eighties, everyone was challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer wore male clothing, The Culture Club frontman adopted girls' clothes, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured members who were proudly homosexual.

I craved his slender frame and defined hairstyle, his strong features and flat chest. I sought to become the Bowie's Berlin period

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time driving a bike and dressing like a tomboy, but I went back to conventional female presentation when I chose to get married. My partner transferred our home to the United States in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an undeniable attraction returning to the male identity I had earlier relinquished.

Since nobody experimented with identity quite like David Bowie, I opted to spend a free afternoon during a summer trip visiting Britain at the museum, with the expectation that possibly he could help me figure it out.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was looking for when I walked into the show - maybe I thought that by immersing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, consequently, stumble across a insight into my true nature.

Quickly I discovered myself positioned before a modest display where the visual presentation for "the iconic song" was playing on repeat. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the primary position, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while positioned laterally three backing singers in feminine attire gathered around a microphone.

Unlike the drag queens I had witnessed firsthand, these female-presenting individuals failed to move around the stage with the poise of born divas; rather they looked unenthused and frustrated. Placed in secondary positions, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their diminished energy. I felt a momentary pang of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their thick cosmetics, awkward hairpieces and restrictive outfits.

They seemed to experience as awkward as I did in female clothing - annoyed and restless, as if they were hoping for it all to be over. At the moment when I understood I connected with three individuals presenting as female, one of them removed her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Revelation. (Understandably, there were further David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I desired to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I desired his lean physique and his sharp haircut, his defined jawline and his male chest; I sought to become the slender-shaped, Bowie's German period. Nevertheless I found myself incapable, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Announcing my identity as homosexual was a different challenge, but transitioning was a much more frightening outlook.

It took me several more years before I was prepared. During that period, I made every effort to embrace manhood: I ceased using cosmetics and discarded all my feminine garments, shortened my locks and started wearing masculine outfits.

I sat differently, walked differently, and adopted new identifiers, but I paused at medical intervention - the chance of refusal and second thoughts had left me paralysed with fear.

Once the David Bowie show completed its global journey with a engagement in New York City, following that period, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be a person I wasn't.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I knew for certain that the challenge wasn't my clothes, it was my biological self. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been wearing drag since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the man in the sharp suit, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I booked myself in to see a medical professional not long after. I needed additional years before my transition was complete, but not a single concern I anticipated materialized.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to explore expression as Bowie had - and given that I'm content with my physical form, I can.