Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
